


Andmoreagain: Anemone

by darefanny



Series: Andmoreagain [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha Tony Stark, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame, Avengers: Infinity War, Established Relationship, Frottage, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Masturbation, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Omega Steve Rogers, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, Painful Sex, Parenthood, Porn with Feelings, Possessive Tony Stark, Rough Sex, Sickness, Sub Steve Rogers, Violent Sex, the violence is consensual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:42:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darefanny/pseuds/darefanny
Summary: This is his, Tony thinks. His to love and his to hurt and his to do whatever he wants with. His to do both right and wrong by. It is his even when he has nothing else left, nothing else to help him identify himself, nothing else to call his own. He’s lost his will to believe, lost his strength, lost too much to ever be who he was again. But this is his, Steve’s moans and Steve’s love and Steve as a whole in all of his imperfect perfection. This is his territory.After Thanos wipes out half of the population of the universe, Steve and Tony find themselves in a darker place than either of them could've ever imagined. With so much lost, it's hard to see how they will ever gather the pieces of each other.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Andmoreagain [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142177
Comments: 36
Kudos: 73





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The final Andmoreagain, huh. Where do I even start? 
> 
> Firstly; Andmoreagain is meant to be read as a trilogy, _but_ I think you can start reading Andmoreagain here if you don’t want to go back to read the two previous parts. Personally, I’d recommend reading the first part though, as it is short and will honestly give you a better sense of what to expect from this than the prologue here. :’D Part two is a bit of a weirdo and more skippable in my opinion. That said, this and part two _were_ supposed to be the same one story before part two decided to be enough of a dramatic bitch on its own. 
> 
> Whatever you decide, please read the tags and warnings for this one especially. The series gets a happy ending, but before that the angst gets much more intense and dark here than in the previous parts. Tony and Steve obviously still love each other enormously, but life deals them really shitty cards and the ways in which they cope get very unhealthy. If you want to know more to be safe, feel free to ask me directly. 
> 
> This whole shitshow that Andmoreagain is is 100% my self-indulgent comfort angst fic, and it is written first and foremost for myself to a much greater extent than any of my other texts. That said, I'm obviously happy if others enjoy this.
> 
> New chapter on Fridays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by god don't let this soft prologue fool you. it's going to be pure pain.

_April_

Steve did remember that Peter Parker was coming to their house today, he did. He remembered it in the morning when he got up early with the twins, allowing Tony to get some peace and quiet for a couple more hours of sleep. He remembered it later when Tony came to remind him of it as he was sitting on the sofa reading news, sipping coffee and watching the twins. 

He doesn’t remember it, or more accurately, think about it, in the afternoon when Kieran starts crying, making Steve pick him up and rush to look for Tony. He finds him in the kitchen making late lunch, and at first he doesn’t even realise that Tony isn’t alone. 

”Could you please take Kit for a while?” he asks, smelling the crying baby for a second time just to be sure. ”I think he just wants to be held, but I’ve got that call, and I also finally managed to get Emmy asleep and I really want to keep him asleep –”

Steve freezes as he notices the teenager sitting at the kitchen table with a can of soda placed in front of him. Peter Parker shoots up as if to greet him, but nothing seems to come out of his mouth. He stares at Steve with wide eyes. 

Steve can’t really blame the kid – he has just charged into the room with a loudly crying manifestation of his and Tony’s intimate relationship, in a sweater that’s decorated with Emmett’s breakfast. He also still has that stupid beard, not least because the twins seem to have taken a liking to grabbing it. There is a reason why Steve has always tried to keep his private life just that; private. Everyone knows that he is an omega, some have even viewed him as some sort of an icon for them, but no one _really knows_. And some people have been beyond desperate to get a piece of that. 

Despite all of his efforts, some paparazzi did manage to snap a photo of him when he was waiting the twins and sell it to the tabloids for an astronomical amount of money. One Tony Stark had paid the paparazzi a visit and told him to give the money off to charity or he’d be fighting with SI lawyers until he, his dead mother and everyone he knew was bankrupt. Still, Steve hadn’t been able to go to the internet for a month without CAPTAIN AMERICA PREGNANT – SEE THE PICTURES slamming to his face. 

But that was the height of it. For the majority of the world, Steve Rogers has 1) _allegedly_ reconciled with alpha and fellow Avenger Tony Stark, 2) been pregnant, and 3) at this point, presumably given birth to a baby or babies of unknown gender. Steve assumes that the majority of the world includes Peter, because it isn’t really like Tony to keep a teenager from Queens informed about their private life, no matter how special the teenager in question is. He should’ve asked Tony how much Peter knew in advance, really. 

Tony strolls to Steve, taking Kieran from him. 

”What’s up, Kitty? What are you so worried about now, buddy?” he asks briskly, starting to bounce the baby in his arms. He grins at the way Steve and Peter are both struggling to find words. 

”Steve Rogers, pain in my ass and the bearer of my children both existing and possibly upcoming”, Tony presents, looking from Steve to Peter. ”Spider-kid”, he says, then turns to coo at Kieran: ”And this bellyacher here is daddy’s Kit, yes, shh.”

”Mr. Rogers, sir, it’s an honor”, Peter rushes to say, offering his hand to a shake. Steve takes it, smiling kindly. 

”Nice to meet you. Peter, right?” he asks.

”Yes! Peter Parker, sir. I saw you in – at the –”

”In Germany”, Steve finishes for him, holding onto his smile. The situation must be at least confusing if not curious for the young man, Kieran’s persistent crying in the background certainly not helping. ”You were really impressive.”

Peter’s cheeks colour.

”Uh, thank you, sir.”

”You can call me Steve”, Steve tells him before turning back to Tony. ”This shouldn’t take long. Do that thing you did the other day to him,” he says, referring to the way Tony had managed to soothe Kieran a couple of days ago by basically telling him a story in a ridiculously low voice. Tony raises his eyebrows and Steve gestures at him dismissively. ”Just try to calm him down. I’ll fetch him in a minute.”

”Bet you _never_ could’ve guessed he’s the bossy house-omega?” Tony points out to Peter. The teenager knows better than to react with anything but an awkward smile. 

”Bet you never could’ve guessed he runs his mouth at home exactly like he does everywhere else”, Steve counters, no real bite in his voice.

”Didn’t you have a call, sweet cheeks?”

Steve rolls his eyes as he turns to go but doesn’t manage to suppress his snigger as he hears Tony start talking to Kieran in a Batman-like voice. 

”Listen carefully, son. When daddy was in Afghanistan…”

He leaves Tony to it, thinking that Peter Parker is certainly getting an unadulterated glimpse of their everyday life. Not that he minds; Peter seems like a good kid. 

Steve’s phone rings the second he manages to shut himself in his office. He lowers his voice as he starts to talk. 

Fifteen minutes later, he returns to the kitchen to find Tony setting up the table and Peter holding a sleeping baby in his arms. It’s a little unnerving, but just because the only time Steve has seen his baby in the arms of anyone else than himself, Tony, or the babysitter, was when Natasha came to see them a couple of weeks ago. Nat seems like a surprisingly natural caretaker, a sensible beta with an admirable mix of the fierceness of an alpha and the sensitiveness of an omega. 

Peter’s started to present as an alpha. He’s still just a kid nevertheless and it’s none of Steve’s business really, but he can’t block the faint scent from his enhanced senses. He wonders briefly if Tony knows as he gives Peter an encouraging, sound smile and begins to help Tony set the table. His hand brushes Tony’s lower back as he reaches to get some neater drinking glasses from the top self. 

”Smells good”, he comments on the garlicky, spicy scent of food. It does, even if he’s just making conversation. Tony’s a surprisingly good cook, especially compared to Steve. He’s done his best to learn, but it’s still a work in progress. 

Tony smiles at him, nodding subtly towards Peter and Kieran. Steve glances back over his shoulder, acknowledging the way Peter’s holding Kieran carefully like he’s afraid to even breathe with an amused look. 

Steve frees Peter and takes Kieran to sleep next to his brother before they start to eat. Tony and Peter talk about possible upgrades for Peter’s suit and Steve doesn’t meddle much besides a couple of questions that pop into his mind when Peter tells them about a recent confrontation with a man who’d been able to jam some of the suit’s features. It’s apparently the reason Tony has asked him to come over, but Steve knows that it isn’t the sole reason. Tony likes Peter, and Steve is finding out that so does he. 

When there’s a break in the conversation, Steve catches himself looking at Peter thoughtfully. Luckily, the kid doesn’t seem to notice. 

”So, any plans for the summer?” he asks cosily. Peter’s eyes flick up from his pasta. 

”Not really, no. Just spider-stuff, I guess”, he responds, then adds hastily: ”And studying, of course.”

”Nice save, kid”, Tony comments. 

”Well”, Steve starts. ”There’s a big pool here that absolutely no one ever swims in.”

”Hey, I swim in it”, Tony argues airily. 

”You have literally never swam in that pool.”

”I have. Last September. You were the size of a small house at that point so I forgive you for not taking note.”

Steve huffs. 

”Anyway, what I’m getting at here, Peter, is that if you feel like you could leave Queens to its own devices for a few days during the summer, you could come visit us”, he prompts. ”If you like.”

Peter’s only sixteen. Once again, it’s really not his business, but Steve can’t help thinking that a kid that age really should have some proper time off from protecting the neighbourhood. As a side note, being around small children was also supposed to have a good impact on young alphas who were still learning what being an alpha actually meant. 

Steve’s also under the impression that Peter’s family isn’t exactly swimming in money. He hasn’t forgotten what that’s like and guesses that it would probably be nice for someone like that, especially a teen of Peter’s age, to get spoiled a little. 

”Steve’s right”, Tony agrees. ”And don’t worry about us pestering you, you can take up a room from as far from our dull asses as you like. Bring a friend if you like. There’s a video game room in the south wing. I think the VR isn’t quite up to date, but that can easily be fixed –”

”Tony”, Steve pauses him gently, turning his gaze to him from Peter who seems a little overwhelmed. ”Let Peter answer.”

Peter’s awestruck is heart-warming. His eyes are _so bright_ as he struggles to find words. 

”I – I’m – really? You’re inviting me here? With – with you?”

”Why not”, Tony shrugs. ”This place has way too much space that’s never used.”

”That’s, like, so cool. Wow”, Peter says, still stunned. ”Are you sure? Like, you’re not just, I don’t know, joking or something?”

Tony grins at Steve. 

”Are we?” 

Steve gives his alpha a chiding look before turning back to Peter. 

”Of course not. It would honestly be no trouble, Peter” he says as earnestly as he can, and because he’s Steve Rogers, it’s pretty damn earnest. 

”You say that now, wait ’til he outruns you on your morning jog”, Tony teases. 

”I’m not gonna do that!”, Peter says, sounding almost petrified.

”Yeah, but see, now you’ll have to come and try, otherwise this’ll haunt Steve for the rest of his life”, Tony fuels him. Steve shakes his head, a lopsided smile on his face. 

”Don’t listen to Tony. But think about it and let us know.” 

”Yeah, I’ll come”, Peter confirms quickly, then looks a little embarrassed about his enthusiasm.

”Well”, Tony says nonchalantly. ”I guess that’s settled then. Remember to ask lovely Aunt May for permission, too.”

Steve kicks him lightly under the table. 

Later, when Peter’s left, Steve’s washing dishes when Tony appears behind him and wraps his arms around him. 

”That was nice of you”, he says. 

Steve does realise that Tony’s talking about inviting Peter during the summer, but he doesn’t really see anything to write home about in it. It’s not like he has even made the money that allows him to have a home like this to invite people into. Legally, yes, it is technically half his, just like everything else because Tony has insisted so. In practise, he finds the thought of taking half of Tony’s wealth in the case of bond-break laughable. Then again, he finds the thought of bond-break unthinkable all together. 

”Easy to be nice to someone so likable”, he answers. ”It’s nice of _you_ to help him, Tony.”

”Yeah, well.” 

Tony’s not giving himself enough credit, as always. Then again, pot meet kettle, Steve guesses when he thinks about it. 

”He does one-hundred percent deserve it. Don’t tell him I said so, though, it’ll go into his head.”

Tony’s joking, but it’s funny how there could actually be a hint of truth in his words considering what Steve has discovered about Peter today, if stereotypes of teenage alphas were taken into account. He’s not gonna bring it up, but Tony’s apparently thinking along the same lines, because the next he muses: ”Wonder how he’s gonna be”, like he’s read Steve’s thoughts. 

Steve’s hum is a little too uncommitted for Tony not to notice. He pinches Steve’s side. 

”You know already, don’t you?” 

”If I knew, I wouldn’t say”, Steve tells him in a final tone. It’s most definitely not for him to share. 

”I knew it”, Tony grouses, then rests his chin on Steve’s shoulder, or more precisely, as close to it as he can reach. ”Can I at least know what your doctor said?”

Steve’s almost forgotten the phone call from earlier. It was about his heat, or more accurately the lack of it. He’s over a month late. 

”He says it’s nothing to worry about yet”, he says. Tony’s hands move comfortingly up and down on his arms. 

”Did he say _when_ it’s something to worry about?” he asks, unable to completely mask the concern from his voice. 

”Apparently it’s not uncommon for the cycle to get pushed by a few weeks after pregnancy. He wanted to take blood tests, though. I’ll go next week.” 

”What? But wasn’t the therapist practically sure that it’s stress-related?”

”So was the doctor, but stress affects hormones and – come on, honey, don’t make me explain the science to _you_ ”, Steve says softly.

”Right. Okay.” Tony squeezes him tightly, nuzzling his face against Steve’s shoulder blade. ”I just want you to be okay.” 

”I’m sure it’ll be all right. Don’t worry so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nervous sweating* yeah i'm sure there's nothing to worry about steve


	2. Erase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes - i know i begun posting yesterday, but oh look it is friday already

_June_

Spring starts to turn into summer. Steve’s heat is still nowhere to be seen, but everyday life keeps him so busy that he hardly has time to dwell in it. Any spare time he has he spends training, his body catching up as quickly as one would expect. The exercise seems to help his moods too, and the depression becomes more and more just a shadow of itself as weeks go by. Most importantly, things are better between him and Tony. Sharing things, being open and honest with his feelings, is hard, but Steve can see it bearing fruit and keeps working on it. 

Their life becomes delightfully mundane. They hold a small dinner party for Tony’s birthday, inviting their closest friends. Many are missing, due to the Accords or otherwise, but the rest come and Tony beams with pride as he gladly allows the twins to steal the spotlight from him. 

Early morning, not more than two days later, the universe is set on a course that will lead to the end of the world as they know it. 

Steve happens to be watching outside, waiting for coffee to brew, when an orange circle spontaneously starts to form in the air on their back yard. It takes him approximately two seconds to gather Kieran and Emmett from the playpen to the safety of his arms. 

”Tony!”

Tony appears not many seconds later. Steve keeps his eyes intently on the window. 

”A man just walked out of an glowing circle to our back yard. Do you know him?”

Tony rushes to the window.

”No – wait, is that Bruce?”

Steve takes a step closer, squinting his eyes. Indeed, an another man has followed the first one, and he does very much seem to be none other than Bruce Banner, who’s been missing since Ultron. 

”Wait here”, Tony says, storming out of the door that leads from the kitchen to the back yard. 

”The hell we will”, Steve mutters. Emmett babbles curiously as the three of them march after him. He keeps a slight distance, though, approaching the visitors more carefully than Tony since he has the twins with him. 

”Tony Stark, Steven Rogers? I’m Doctor Stephen Strange. I need you to come with me to New York.”

Steve looks from the stranger to Bruce – it’s definitely Bruce – warily. Kieran reaches for Steve’s face, most probably as a sign that he doesn’t like this, and Steve shifts his head to not get a finger into his eye. Strange’s eyes catch the small movement, turning from Tony to Steve. 

”Oh, congratulations on the babies, by the way”, he adds. 

Bruce takes a hesitant step towards Tony, pausing for a second before closing off the rest of the distance and hugging him. He looks impossibly fragile, and Steve wonders what the man has been through. 

”We need your help, guys”, Bruce says as they part. 

Steve doesn’t know what’s going on, but it’s obviously serious. Captain America comes back to him in a blink of an eye, but not quite as quickly as Iron Man comes to Tony. 

”Steve, I’ll go”, he says, turning to him. ”Call Happy and get the twins somewhere safe.”

”I’m not letting you go alone –”

”You can follow me with the jet, or a suit can fly you. One of us has to stay for now.”

Steve hates to admit it, but Tony’s right. He can’t leave the twins. 

Tony stomps to him determinedly and kisses him. There’s something in his eyes that makes Steve want to grab him and beg him not to go, and it’s probably only the fact that his hands are occupied that keeps him from doing it. 

”I love you”, he says instead, clinging to Tony with his eyes. 

”I love you more”, Tony answers, his voice hushed. He pets both Kieran and Emmett’s head briefly before stepping backwards. 

”See ya, soldier”, he says, giving Steve one final look before turning and vanishing through the circle with Strange and Bruce.

***

It takes too long for Steve to get to New York, even if he does fly an autopiloted suit. He arrives to find nothing but the destruction from the battle. The massive alien ship FRIDAY has shown him on the way is nowhere to be seen, and neither is Tony. 

Steve’s blood turns cold. Tony could be anywhere, but the way Steve can’t feel anything through the bond is ominous. He tries to breathe, suddenly feeling like the armour is suffocating him. He stumbles out of it, his hands trembling as he fidgets with his own suit’s utility belt to get his phone. 

It takes a couple of beeps before Tony answers. 

”Hi, Steve”, he says, and Steve can instantly tell that things are bad from his chipper tone. Tony always uses it when he doesn’t want Steve to worry about him while there’s something going on that Steve _should_ actually be enormously worried about. 

”Tony”, he breathes out, the slight relief from hearing Tony’s voice disappearing quickly when he registers the connection starting to go weak. It isn’t difficult to put two and two together. 

”You’re on that alien ship”, Steve says, not hearing himself. He’s already thinking of his next step; how is he going to get up there? 

”They got Strange. Listen, honey, I need to ask you a favour. Find Vision and destroy the mind stone.”

”What –”

”He’ll understand.”

Steve knows what destroying the mind stone means for Vision, but it’s not his first concern right now. The connection crackles. 

”No, Tony, don’t –”

”You don’t know how much –”

”go without me”, Steve finishes, but the connection is already lost. He picks up Tony’s name immediately from the contacts again, tears prickling in his eyes. 

The number Steve calls can not be reached.

***

They fall short on time. 

Steve does his everything, but he is useless, powerless against this threat. And he’s afraid, so afraid. 

But he tries, he uses all of his strength to give Wanda the time she needs to destroy the stone. He can see it then, in Thanos’ eyes as the Titan studies him for a moment before striking him unconscious; this creature will feel no remorse for any of their deaths. None of them mean anything to him, the love and pain they feel is nothing to him – they’re just insects for him to crush. 

When Steve comes back to consciousness, he sees Thor with Thanos and there’s a glimmer of hope, the last pinch of it. Thor’ll stop Thanos, not because he’s a god or because he’s strong, but because he has to. They have to. 

Steve watches dizzily, trying to get up to help. 

”You should’ve gone for the head.”

Time seems to slow down, like the universe itself is trying to draw out the inevitable. But it can’t stop Thanos, just like none of them could, and Thanos snaps his fingers. 

Steve’s mind refuses to comprehend what has happened before his eyes. He stumbles up as Thanos disappears.

”Where’d he go?” he asks, looking around. There’s a fight going on, right? 

”Thor?”

Thor doesn’t answer, but it’s all written on his face; it’s over, and he has no answers for Steve. 

”Where’d he go?” he repeats, his voice getting panicked. _Someone_ has to tell him, because Tony is out there somewhere and Steve needs to protect him – 

”Steve?” 

Steve turns to see Bucky turn into ashes. The reality only starts to sink in as he kneels down to touch the disappearing black flakes. He doesn’t even understand to grieve his best friend at this moment, because there’s only one thing on his mind.

”Oh god”, he says, unable to breathe. 

His children.

***

Steve jolts awake. It takes a few seconds to realise where he is. His quarters at the Avengers compound had felt like home once, but they don’t now. Nowhere is home anymore. 

No, that’s not right. His home is the little one sleeping against his chest. Steve’s fingers circle softly around Emmett’s tiny wrist; he can hear his heartbeat just fine, but he needs to feel it. He needs to be aware of it at all times, even on the rare occasions he’s able to fall asleep. Emmett sleeps next to him every night so that Steve can guard his sleep. 

He’d known the moment Happy had answered the phone. Steve had heard a baby crying in the background, recognised it as Emmett.

”I’m sorry”, Happy had cried. ”I’m so sorry, Steve. I couldn’t do anything.”

One voice. One voice of a crying baby. The phone had dropped from Steve’s hands as he’d fallen onto his knees. He hadn’t been able to feel Kieran anymore. 

Yet he had tried, he had tried to sense his baby through the bond, pulling his hair as if he could force it to not be true if he just tried hard enough. His child couldn’t be gone. 

His baby. His perfect, innocent child had been taken away from him, and when Thor had gently touched his shoulder Steve had flinched and then screamed until his lungs gave out. Eventually, Nat and Thor had walked him out of the battlefield. 

During the flight back home, Steve had started to talk to himself like a maniac about needing to find Thanos and the gauntlet. Nat had sat next to him and rubbed his back comfortingly. 

”We’ll find him”, she’d said, teary-eyed. 

It’s now been two weeks since that day. All they’ve managed to find is panic, chaos and misery wherever they look. No Thanos. 

And no Tony. 

Steve doesn’t know where Tony is. Strange hasn’t returned either, and Steve has no idea what has happened after they left Earth, no idea if Tony’s still alive or not. The bond hasn’t helped Steve even though he has tried until his head’s begun to ache. If Tony’s still out there somewhere, he’s too far for the emphatic connection to work. It’s a fifty-fifty chance, really, and there’s nothing that Steve can do besides hoping that someone will find Tony alive and bring him home.

There’s an empty urn on the self next to a Bible, and Emmett is the only reason Steve doesn’t wish he had turned into ashes himself. Emmett, and the hope that Tony is still out there somewhere. 

Steve opens his eyes as he hears steps from the corridor. He knows it’s Nat before the woman steps into the dark room and walks by the bed. She sits on the bed, setting her tablet aside, careful not to wake Emmett. Steve can tell from her sigh that there’s no news. 

”You should sleep”, Steve says to her. Nat has been working day and night after Thanos, sending people on missions and trying to keep the remains of SHIELD together.

”So should you. Nightmares?” Nat asks. Steve looks at the clock on the nightstand, wondering if he’s made noise in his sleep. It’s almost four in the morning. 

”Tell me you’re having an early morning and not a late night”, Steve insists gently, passing her question. It’s always nightmares, every time he closes his eyes. He guesses it’s the same for all of them. Every one of them has been thrown off their axis, turned into lost shells that wander around the compound at unpredictable hours or stay holed up in their own quarters for days until someone intervenes. Time has lost its meaning – they work when they can gather up the strength and sleep when the exhaustion overcomes the bottomless grief that keeps them awake. 

”I was waiting to hear from Thor tonight, but it doesn’t look like that’s happening”, Nat tells, a sad smile hovering on his lips. ”I wanted to check up on you before heading to bed. You didn’t show up for dinner.”

”I’m sorry. Emmy was sleeping and…” Steve trails off. He simply hadn’t wanted to leave Emmett. 

”I’m sure Emmy could’ve slept at the dinner. It wasn’t a very loud gathering”, Nat tells, chagrined, and Steve feels sorry for her. She tries so hard. 

”You shouldn’t try to carry all of us on your shoulders.”

When Nat doesn’t answer right away, Steve lets his eyes fall closed again. Despite what he’s just said, he’s not sure where he’d be without Nat right now. Her presence is calming to him even now, and he can feel the possibility of sleep pressing his eyelids. With Tony, Bucky and Sam gone, she’s the only one left Steve truly feels he can depend on. 

”I guess it’s just my way to deal with this. Makes it easier not to think about him. About all of them.”

Steve knows who she’s talking about, but he doesn’t address it. They haven’t talked about it, even though Steve’s known for a while. He’d figured he’d be told properly when the people in question felt like it. 

”I know”, he says, trying hard not to think about Tony. ”God, I know.”

”Steve”, Nat says his name suddenly. There’s a strain in her voice. 

”Yeah?” Steve opens his eyes. 

”Can I –” she pauses. Steve tries to see her expression in the darkness, but she turns her face away. Steve waits as she seems to collect herself before looking at him again. ”Do you think I could sleep with you and Emmy tonight?”

For some reason, her question pushes tears into Steve’s eyes. They are all so broken, so small and helpless after what has happened. It’s unfair. 

”I’m sorry if that’s an odd thing to ask”, Nat continues when Steve’s caught swallowing down his tears. ”I manage okay as long as I keep doing something, but when I lie alone –” 

”Nat”, Steve whispers softly. ”Of course you can.” 

Really, he welcomes the thought of more human warmth in the bed. He’s got Emmett, of course, but Emmett’s not as much a comfort to him as he is a necessity, like an extension of Steve’s self. As crude as the comparison is, Steve might as well rip his own arm off and put it into a crib for the nights. 

”Thank you”, Nat says, smiling in her small way. 

”No need to thank me. The blanket and the pillow on the other side haven’t really been used if those are fine with you.”

Nat pads around the bed and Steve closes his eyes again. He hears Nat take her shoes and some clothing off, then feels the bed dip slightly under her weight. It’s not completely unfamiliar, since they’ve shared a bed a couple of times before on missions. On those occasions she hasn’t pressed her back against Steve’s for comfort. 

”Nat?” Steve says quietly after a moment. She hums in response. ”I’m so sorry. I could see you made each other happy.”

To Steve’s surprise, Nat laughs through her nose. 

”We made each other insane”, she says fondly. ”I think you know what that’s like.”

Steve knows exactly what that’s like, air escaping his lungs as the thought of never seeing Tony again dawns on him for the umpteenth time. He’s not sure why he says what he says next, other than that he needs to say something or he’ll break down. 

”We went to therapy, you know.”

It hurts so much to think about it, how much they’d wasted time fighting with each other, how much they’d still loved each other and somehow always found a way to make it work. 

”What a courageous person that therapist must have been.”

Steve’s eyes flutter open. He looks at Emmett, petting his tummy lightly with his thumb. 

”I know it must’ve seemed that we would be better off without each other at times, but –” 

”You wouldn’t”, Nat finishes for him understandingly. 

While it hurts, talking about Tony makes Steve feel closer to him. It’s like a soft blade being pushed through his chest. 

”Don’t give up, Steve. I haven’t”, Nat whispers. 

”I won’t”, Steve says earnestly. He can’t give up. He will get Tony back, he has to believe that. 

”Good night, Nat.”

Steve listens to Nat fall asleep, or at least he thinks he does. She’s such a quiet sleeper that Steve’s never been able to tell for certain, even with his sensitive hearing. 

Very unlike Tony, Steve thinks. Tony doesn’t really snore except when he’s been drinking, but he stresses in his sleep, his rolling and grunting making Steve often wake up worried. 

Steve would give anything to have Tony tossing and turning beside him now. He knows he shouldn’t torture himself like this, shouldn’t allow every little thing to remind him of Tony all the time, but he can’t help it. His body aches to hold Tony in its embrace, his heart longs to hear his voice and see his clever smirk. 

It’s already getting light outside when Steve finally falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't say that i didn't warn you


	3. Thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point i'm just making shit up to torture steve

_Steve knows it’s Nat before the woman steps into the dark room and walks by the bed. For some reason, he can’t see or hear her at all, just knows that she’s come and sat there._

_”Steve”, a voice says, and Steve’s mistaken; it’s not Nat at all. It’s Tony._

_Steve springs up, reaching for the dark figure, but there’s nothing._

_”Tony”, he says, frantic. ”Tony, please, talk to me.”_

_”I’m here”, Tony answers. ”I’m always with you, honey.”_

_Steve keeps trying to touch the figure. He can sense warmth radiating from it, from Tony, but his hands go right through his dark shape._

_”Where are you?” Steve asks desperately._

_”I don’t know”, Tony tells after a moment of silence. ”But I’ve been thinking about you.”_

_”Tony, I –” Steve breaks into tears. ”I need you, I need you to come home. Please come home.”_

_”I can’t”, Tony’s voice tells him. He sounds sad._

_Steve sobs out a frustrated noise. Tony has to come back, has to be here with him. Has to be able to be touched, to touch Steve back._

_”I’m sorry”, Tony tells him, and then the figure is vanishing, dissolving into the darkness._

_”No! Don’t go, please don’t go, don’t leave me now –”_

”Steve.”

Steve wakes up in panic. His heart is racing, and his body aches like he’s having a fever. Nat is standing next to the bed and gripping his shoulder. 

”Steve, look at me. Everything’s okay.”

Her voice doesn’t sound very reassuring. Steve looks at her wildly, trying to comprehend what’s happening. Then he realises that the spot beside him is empty. 

”Where’s Emmy?” he asks, alarmed. 

”Emmy’s okay, he’s with Rhodey –”

”Rhodey? Why?” Steve questions, a hint of a threat underneath his voice. He has nothing against Rhodey, but he doesn’t trust Emmett out of his sight anymore. No one, not even Nat, has the right to take Emmett anywhere without his permission. 

”Calm down. We’re just making sure he’s safe.”

”Safe? From what?”, Steve continues to interrogate, getting up from the bed so quickly that he sees stars for a moment, which doesn’t really happen to him, but he doesn’t have time to think about it. ”Why wouldn’t he be safe right here with me?”

As Steve pushes himself up, his hand comes across something wet and he turns to look at the spot confusedly. Slowly, realisation dawns on him, and only now he actually registers the way his whole body’s trembling, how his insides are cramping viciously. 

”No”, he breathes out. ”No, no, no.”

He’s going into heat.

”It’s okay, Steve. A doctor is coming. Just sit down and breathe.”

Steve obeys, not knowing what else to do. He can’t fathom why and how this is happening now. He hadn’t noticed any symptoms of pre-heat. 

Sure, he still hasn’t had his heat after giving birth, but he has just lost a child and doesn’t know if his alpha is alive or not. He can not imagine how his body could suddenly pull a stunt like this under all the grief and stress he is. His mind works fast as he tries to think of what’s gonna happen next. 

”Bring me Emmy”, Steve says then.

Nat observes him, apparently trying to decide whether he’s in the condition. 

”Bring me Emmy, Nat”, he demands harder. ”If I’m really going into heat, I won’t be able to really see him for days. I’m still myself now and I want to see my child before things get out of my control.”

Giving in, Nat texts Rhodey and soon Steve’s holding Emmett in his arms. It soothes him, but only a little. 

Of course, he understands why omegas in heat aren’t trusted to take care of their babies. They _will_ usually manage it if they have to, but even at its best it is told to be extremely stressful for both the baby and the omega. At its worst it has been reported to have lead into tragedies where the omega has forgotten to care for the child and ended up paying a high price for that. 

Steve has no desire to risk anything like that happening. He has already lost Kieran. Still, the thought of not being able to be with his only remaining child for days and care for him makes him anxious. 

If the heat would’ve happened two months ago, like it should’ve, Steve would’ve been home. With Tony, who would’ve taken care of the twins.

Taken care of Steve. 

But Tony’s not here, and Steve doesn’t know what he’s going to do. 

”We’re lucky Clint smelled you”, Rhodey tells him, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

”Clint?” Steve looks up. ”I thought he’d left the compound?”

”He had, but apparently he’d been here this morning without telling us. Stole some weapons and left. Apparently, he also visited the living quarters, because he sent Nat a message about you.”

”I nearly choked on my morning coffee”, Nat takes over. ”It just said to check up on you and that you were in heat. I rushed here and even I could smell it when I came into the room.”

It was indeed lucky, Steve wonders. Betas like Nat and Rhodey wouldn’t have smelled it early like Clint as an alpha had. Steve can tell he really is going into heat from the way the thought of an alpha being concerned for his well-being warms him. Having lost his whole family, Clint is the most broken of them all, but he’d still cared about Steve. Another sign of the heat is that the thought nearly has Steve in tears. 

Steve shakes his head, trying to get hold of some rational thinking. 

”It’s good you called for the doctor. And it’s good you took Emmy. If I’d been fully in heat already when I woke up, I might not have allowed you to take him”, he admits. ”Sorry for snapping at you.”

Steve hates how he constantly has to fight his emotions down. He knows that he’s just going to have to endure this somehow and that he’s going to do it, but it frightens him, sickens him really. He hasn’t been through a heat alone after going into the ice. And he’s mourning. 

There’s nothing enjoyable to look forward to in this. Just pain, both emotional and physical. 

”The doctor warned us about that”, Nat confesses. ”Don’t worry about Emmy, Steve. I promise that we’ll make sure he’s got everything while you get yourself through this.”

Steve holds Emmett for a while longer, reassuring him, or perhaps himself, that he’s going to see him again soon. He gives Nat and Rhodey instructions and they listen dutifully, but Steve still feels awful when the doctor arrives and it’s time to give Emmett back to them. 

”Bye then, bunny”, Steve whispers, kissing Emmett’s forehead. Emmett’s wide, brown eyes smile at him, his small fingers reaching to touch Steve’s nose. ”Be a good boy to Aunt Nat and Uncle Rhodey.”

Nat lets the doctor in as she exits the room with Emmett in her arms, leaving Steve to wipe his eyes as the doctor greets him. 

They go over his situation as quickly as possible, considering Steve’s already at the point where he doesn’t dare to get up from the bed because of the way he’s leaking. The doctor is an omega himself, so he isn’t affected by the scent, but Steve still feels disturbed and self-conscious. He’s rather old-fashioned in matters like these; heats should be something private between him and his alpha. It’s one thing to talk about heats with a doctor clinically during a health check, and another to have one present while being well on the way into one. No matter how professional the doctor is, he is still a stranger. Steve didn’t much enjoy having Nat and Rhodey see him affected by the heat either, even though he knows they are just helping. If there’s any silver lining to this, it’s the fact that there aren’t any alphas around who could constantly smell him from god knows how far. There’s only one alpha his heats have ever belonged to. 

”Usually an omega’s mind protects them from going into heat too soon after they’ve lost their alpha”, the doctor explains to him. ”But this happens sometimes. In some rare cases, heat can be a way for an omega’s body to react to the grief. It’s been interpreted as a way for the traumatized mind to try to get the lost mate back with the strong scent of heat. It’s sometimes called a mourning heat.”

Steve lets out a bitter laugh. So, his body thinks Tony will appear if he’ll just smell fuckable enough. 

”But I don’t know if Tony’s gone or not”, he says, grimacing at the way his lower stomach spasms. His forehead is drenched in cold sweat, and he wipes it with his sleeve. 

The doctor gives him a sympathetic look and Steve can see that he doubts him. 

”Have you been able to sense him at all?” 

”No, but he went into the goddamn space”, Steve grumbles. It’s impossible to stay polite in his state. He needs to be left alone as soon as possible, the doctor’s worried eyes on him only making him irritated. He’s not in denial; he _doesn’t_ know for sure if Tony’s alive or not. 

”I understand”, the doctor says, apparently realising that there’s no benefit in trying to make Steve believe anything else than what he does. ”Normally – as in on Earth – a mate’s passing away can usually be felt, but I can’t recall hearing about a case like yours. I can try to find out if there’s anything and get back to you on that, but right now you need to focus on surviving this heat.”

”Surviving?” Steve repeats after him. To his woozy mind the doctor sounds annoyingly cryptic. What is the man trying to say? Steve certainly isn’t happy about this, but he’s never had any health problems during heat after the serum. 

”Heats like these are aggressive and can be very traumatic. You’ll need to be looked after.”

”I’ll be brought food here”, Steve says dismissively. It’s getting harder and harder to focus on the conversation. 

”That’s not what I meant”, the doctor explains, his voice getting serious as he continues. ”I strongly advise you’ll find an alpha. A friend, perhaps. But you’ll need an alpha to be with you.”

Steve freezes. 

”What? No.” He almost laughs. ”I’m bonded.”

”I realise that. You don’t necessarily have to have sex with the person – if you can manage that – but you’ll need an alpha’s presence. Their scent will ease your state.”

”No”, Steve says stubbornly. ”It’s just not gonna happen.”

The doctor sighs. ”Well, no one can force you. But I have to emphasize that that would be a very dangerous decision. Omegas have died of mourning heats, and that’s why they are usually suppressed medically if possible. Since that unfortunately isn’t an option for you because of the serum, all I can do is to give you my best advice on how to get through this as safely as you can.”

Steve huffs frustratedly. The doctor’s words hurt and shock him, and it’s hard to think straight. He’s right about suppressants though. Whatever the medicine, Steve’s body burns it out of his system too rapidly for it to work. 

”With your permission, I will brief your friends on your situation”, the doctor finishes, getting up from his chair. Steve hardly manages to mumble something he thinks will pass as permission back to him. 

The doctor stops at the door. 

”Think about it once more. If your alpha is still alive, I’m sure he’ll appreciate more finding out that you’ve been with another than finding you dead when he comes back.” 

Steve wants to throw something at the doctor, but the man’s already out the door while Steve’s still looking for what that something could be. 

He turns onto his stomach, burying his face into the pillows and lets the furious tears he’s been holding back finally spill. 

It’s hard to describe how horrible he feels. For a moment the emotions overwhelm him so completely that he even forgets the needy throbbing between his legs, and for the first time in his life, Steve truly hates being an omega. His sobs become louder until they consume him, panic rushing into his veins. 

He needs Tony, he thinks, the pillow-sheet ripping in his desperate grip. He prays, prays to actual God, trying to breathe. 

It takes a while, but eventually Steve’s mind starts to dull enough to the situation he’s looking at that his sobs die down and it starts to feel like there’s enough air again. The doctor’s words ring in his ears. 

Steve can’t betray Tony. But he can’t risk his life either, not when he has a child to raise.

He tries to rationalise and think, forcing air in through his nose and out through his mouth. Who could help him? If he has to have an alpha with him, he’d rather it’d be someone he knows. But like omegas, alphas are quite rare. Who does he even know that is still alive?

With Tony gone, Steve wishes he’d at least have Bucky. Bucky had kept watch during his heats in the time before the serum and not once tried to take advantage. Him, Steve could’ve trusted. But Bucky’s gone too, Steve concludes with a painful sting in his chest. 

There’s Clint, but even if the archer would be reachable quickly enough, which he isn’t, he’s way too much of a mess right now for the task.

That’s about it, Steve realises numbly. There isn’t anyone. He’s going to have to trust himself to a stranger or risk orphaning his child, and the latter he isn’t going to do. 

The tears have dried down on Steve’s cheeks, his eyes staring at nothing, unfocused. The last two weeks have been the hardest of his entire life, so how is it even possible for things to turn so much worse? He wishes he could at least talk to his therapist, but she doesn’t exist anymore either. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Steve turns to face it in hopes of the incomer perhaps having Emmett with them. He averts his eyes when he sees Nat step inside alone, aware of how reddened and swollen his eyes must be from the crying. 

”How are you doing?” Nat asks. 

”Not that good, as you can see”, Steve answers, trying to rub the tear stains off his face. 

”I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do.” 

Nat’s brought some snacks and drinks, and she places them onto the nightstand. She also has a black plastic box that she sets to the floor discreetly, next to the bed. Steve eyes it with disdain, guessing it’s toys. He doesn’t want to ask. 

”Just take care of Emmy.”

”Of course”, she says, sitting on the bed carefully. ”Listen, I’m sure you don’t like it, but I’m looking for an alpha for you. Just in case.”

Steve sighs. 

”Don’t let them touch me, Nat. Not even if I beg for it, not unless it really becomes a matter of life and death. Promise me.”

”I already drew up a contract”, Nat says, and only now Steve notices the papers she’s brought with her. He takes them and goes them over. 

The contract establishes pretty much what Steve has just said. That he consents to an alpha’s presence, but not sex or touching of any kind unless it becomes necessary for his safety. Steve reluctantly crosses the box saying that he allows the alpha to be present while he masturbates. There’s no point trying to insist on keeping that line since it’s pretty much impossible to do. The person would have to be running in and out of the room constantly. He considers for a long time before he also crosses the box saying that he consents to the alpha masturbating in his presence. It’s for his own sake, really. Whoever they manage to convince for the job will be paid, and Steve doesn’t care if they enjoy their time or not – actually he’d prefer that they won’t. But if the alpha is allowed to relieve themselves, it’s more likely that things won’t get out of hand. That’s just common sense. 

”What if the alpha can’t control themselves? I might not exactly put up a fight”, Steve says, then adds quietly: ”Or vice versa.”

He feels like he’s already cheated on Tony. God, he’s so angry. 

”It’s made clear that touching you, even if you ask for it, is not allowed, so they better not or they’ll be looking at a rape charge”, Nat says, her voice grave. 

”I’m stronger than anyone you can find. I might not…” Steve takes a breath. ”… _I_ might not give them a choice – god, fuck, this is fucked up, Nat,” he curses. 

Surely he can’t accuse someone of rape if he’s the one forcing himself on them. 

”We’ll equip them with a panic button”, Nat says. ”Me and Rhodey won’t be far, and Rhodey at least can overpower you in the suit.” She looks at Steve. ”But I don’t think you need to worry about that. You’ve got strong morales, Steve.” 

He does, he knows. Steve doesn’t know how he’d live with himself if he’d do something like that, but his mind is simply so over-charged that it’s just going over every worst-case scenario. He looks at the contract again. 

”What does ’unless medically determined necessary’ mean, exactly?” he asks. ”The doctor’s not gonna stay here for that, is he?”

”No. He’s given instructions to Bruce. Bruce has a medical degree amongst the other ones”, Nat explains. 

”Huh.”

”Try not to worry, Steve. I’ll do my best finding someone reliable.”

Steve signs the paper with a heavy sigh.

When Nat’s gone, he decides to take a shower. His head feels temporarily a little clearer after concentrating on the contract, and it seems wise to wash up now since it might take until the end of the heat before he manages to do that again. Normally when he’s in heat, Tony takes him to a bath and spoils him, washes his hair and massages him. 

Steve shakes his head, his throat feeling tight. He can’t think about that now. 

He looks into the mirror, noticing how the lack of sleep is starting to show on his face. Steve’s not sure if that can be blamed for how unwilling he is to look at himself. On a whim, he decides to finally shave his beard, even though his hands are unsteady due to the heat. He can’t explain why he does it; maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s how it reminds him of everything. How they’d fought with Tony. How Kieran had learned to pull it. 

After he’s done, Steve steps into the shower, his cock hanging heavy between his legs. He washes himself, then just stands under the water stream feeling nauseous. Finally, he relents and takes his cock into his hand, trying to silence his mind. He strokes his cock mechanically in order to relieve himself. 

It feels wrong on so many levels. It feels wrong to indulge in something so carnal so soon after his loss. Feels wrong to be alone. Wrong for his body to act this way when Tony’s not here. 

He feels slick leaking down the thighs he has just rubbed clean and squeezes his eyes shut. He needs to just come and then the ache will ease for a while. But even though he’s rock hard and his ass is pulsing in need of attention, he finds it difficult to get over the edge. Clicking his tongue annoyedly, Steve leans against the shower tiles, letting go of his erection. After a while however, pain starts to build up inside of him, his body insisting on more touch. 

Steve slides to the floor with a grunt. He starts pumping himself again, but it’s no good. He feels so guilty, his mind going back to Kieran, to the ashes that were Bucky two seconds ago flying in the wind, to the phone call getting cut before Tony can finish his sentence. 

He tries to think about something arousing, but he doesn’t know how to do that without thinking about Tony. It’s all his body has ever known. With a defeated sigh, he closes his eyes, allowing his mind to go there. To Tony kissing him, Tony’s hand sliding down his body, Tony gently tugging at his hair and sighing as he pushes his cock into him. 

And it hurts to think about it. It hurts so much, but Steve keeps going stubbornly. His hand works desperately as he imagines Tony filling him, fucking him, whispering lewdly into his ear. 

_Come on, honey. Let me see you make a mess on yourself._

When Steve does finally come, it’s almost painful. His legs tremble against the cold tile floor as he lets himself go. 

His tears are washed down the drain as he begins to numbly clean himself again.

***

Three hours later he wakes up, hazy and confused. Everything feels heavy; the air, his limbs, his mind. The clothes around him. Sweating, he struggles out of them, not understanding why he’s bothered to put on any – he had taken a shower earlier, hadn’t he? 

”Tony”, he calls instinctively, but it doesn’t seem right. Tony’s somewhere else, something’s happened, and there isn’t time to think. He rubs his ass against the sheets, not caring how uncomfortably wet and sticky they feel against his skin. He needs something inside of him, now. 

It’s gotten dark outside. Steve can hardly remember where he is, but he does remember the box on the floor. He reaches for it, removing the lid and flipping the box upside down so that all of its contents scatter on the bed. He picks one toy up, but it seems too small, so he picks another, but this one he doesn’t even know what to do with, he picks a third, which definitely is not even the right type of toy. Eventually he finds a simple vibrator that seems like a good choice. It’s even got working batteries. 

He doesn’t have too much experience of toys, but it’s hardly rocket science, and it doesn’t take long for him to find himself fucking the toy into his hole in abandon. 

_Tony_ , his mind keeps providing, and he doesn’t have the mental strength to fight it even though it brings an ache into his soul that shadows the pleasure. He thrusts his cock against some pillows that happen to be there as he moves the toy back and forth inside of himself, until he’s lost in it, moaning and panting mindlessly in the dark alone. He doesn’t realise it when he starts chanting Tony’s name, and it’s partially from the fantasy playing in his mind and partially just a desperate plea for the cruel reality. 

_Tony, Tony, Tony._ He comes hard, his rim violently trying to lock in a knot that isn’t there. It’s painful, and Steve whimpers. Why isn’t his alpha here?

He’s sad, but doesn’t completely perceive the reason for it at the moment. Everything is a blur, there’s just the heat and the need to be knotted, and as soon as his breath steadies a little, he starts another round with the toy. 

It goes on like that for what feels like forever, but what in reality is around one and a half hours, before Steve starts to feel frustrated and spent. It isn’t helping, not really, and his arm is cramping. He leaves the toy humming inside of him and slumps to his stomach, whiny sounds leaving his throat. 

Why isn’t Tony here? Has he abandoned Steve? Wait, no – Tony’s… but that can’t be. 

But Steve needs Tony. Steve needs Tony to touch him, to fill him, to knot him. He needs his scent, the calm and safe of it, needs Tony to show him how to be.

”Alpha… Tony… please…”

The toy brings Steve to yet another orgasm. It’s dry and unsatisfying, and Steve’s body convulses forcefully, his teeth gritting together. Angrily, Steve pulls the thing out and throws it away, sending it flying across the room. He breathes shallowly through his teeth. 

Tony had promised, Steve thinks, drawing in a pained breath. His body is aching everywhere now that he isn’t using the toy anymore, like a thousand small needles being pushed into his skin.

Tony had promised to never leave him.

_I will come to you even if I have to travel across galaxies, through goddamn time if I need to._

Tears spill to Steve’s cheeks, his anger subsiding from sorrow’s way again. 

”Tony”, he whispers hopelessly. He could handle the physical pain, but he misses Tony _so_ much. It’s like something massive has collapsed right on top of him, his panicked mind clawing at the weight but finding no way out. Deep inside of him, he’s now aware that Tony’s gone, although nothing still makes sense. 

Tony can’t be gone, because without him, Steve will die. He’s sure of it. 

”Please”, he begs, curling himself into a ball. He doesn’t know who his plea is meant for; for God perhaps, or the universe. ”Please give him back to me.” 

Steve pulls his hair as a particularly harsh cramp rattles his insides. He grimaces in pain, squeezing the sheets with his knuckles white, then lets out a roar of frustration and anger. The haze that had dulled the ache is gone now, and his mind and body are in total conflict with each other. His body demands attention, continuing to slick itself for knotting, but what Steve wants in his mind is to die. The only thing they agree on is that he needs Tony to be alive and here. 

Exhaustedly and unwillingly, Steve obeys his body’s urges and tries to get up from the bed to go look for the toy he’d thrown. He almost gets to his feet before a horrific pain strikes him and makes him fall to the floor. Breathing raggedly, he tries to move forward on his knees, but the pain is so vivid that he can’t see from it. The world is spinning in his head. 

He slumps to the floor. 

Steve has no idea how much time passes, but the next time he opens his eyes, there’s light. He blinks, wondering if it’s day already. There are silent noises, too. Talk. 

Someone’s hovering above him, but Steve doesn’t quite register who before a certain scent reaches him and occupies his mind completely. 

”Alpha”, Steve croaks instantly. His voice is hardly audible, but his body becomes alive quickly as it senses the pheromones in the air. 

”Good morning, Captain”, a man’s voice says. Steve recognises it, and for a moment the surge of dopamine from an alpha’s presence outweighs even the disappointment that the alpha in question isn’t Tony. 

It isn’t day, not even morning quite yet. The sun has begun to rise but it’s still dusky outside, and the light in the room is mostly originated from the bedside lamp. The person leant close to Steve is Nat, but Steve’s eyes are fixed on the man sitting on the other side of the bed. 

”How are you feeling?” Thor asks, and Steve has to take a moment to gather his wit. 

”Fine, I guess”, he says, brows knitting as he tries to think of what has happened, to figure out why Thor is here and how is it possible for him to be smelling like an alpha. In the end, he turns to look at Nat confusedly. He’s too out of it to think for himself. 

”We found you lying on the floor”, she offers, her eyes studying him worriedly. 

”I… I think I fainted.”

”Just like that?” Thor asks. Steve pictures amusement on his face, but doesn’t see any when he looks back to him. 

”It hurts”, he admits wearily. ”It hurt so much I finally fainted from it. I remember now.”

Even though Steve’s still feeling light-headed and uncomfortable, the alpha scent around him is making him feel much easier. 

”Thor’ll stay with you”, Nat tells him, but Steve doesn’t even look at her. He stares at Thor, who just shrugs and gives him a nonchalant thumbs up. 

”But aren’t you… since when has Asgardian biology been like ours?” Thor certainly smells like an alpha, heavily so. But Steve has always thought Asgardians weren’t like them. 

”I’m not just an Asgardian. I’m a god and amongst my more formidable titles, a god of fertility at that too”, Thor explains neutrally. ”Basically, I can be what I want. Or what you want, actually.”

Steve’s eyes widen at Thor’s words. His voice might be unsuggestive, but the words certainly put Steve on edge. 

”Has he – has he read the contract?” he asks Nat. 

”I have read your contract and signed it. But it wasn’t really needed – your state does not affect me and I’m more than capable of overpowering you physically if I have to”, Thor tells him simply, and his voice does not falter for a single syllable, no colour rises to his cheeks.

It’s Steve whose face feels a bit warm. Thor really does seem unaffected, and that puts Steve into an awkward position. He’s quite composed himself right now, but that won’t last. The heat will take over again. Luckily, Thor and Nat have at least been kind enough to cover his naked body after lifting him back on the bed. Although the colour on Steve’s face does get even darker when he realises next that Thor has most likely carried his naked, come- and slick-stained body back to the bed. 

”This is good news, right?” Nat puts in. ”Have you eaten?”

Steve admits he hasn’t, so Nat brings him warm food. After he’s eaten and been assured that Emmett is fine, Nat takes the dishes and leaves him alone with Thor. The god opens a beer for himself, settles to the other side of the bed and puts the TV on. 

Steve’s not sure how and if this is going to work. He’s friendly with Thor, would call the man his friend even, but definitely not like he’s – was – friends with Bucky or even Sam. Thor has always felt too different from them to get close to, too distant and busy with the problems of his own world. It isn’t like Steve is the easiest person to really get to know himself. 

Steve creeps further under the comforter. He’s not cold, but he feels a need to hide. Warily, he steals glances at Thor, who looks perfectly content drinking his beer and watching The Survivors Australia. Steve does his best to relax himself, but he can feel his body getting disturbingly excited again. Thank god – or Nat, he assumes – the sheets have at least been changed while he’s been out. 

”Thor?” he finally says quietly. 

Thor doesn’t take his eyes off the TV. 

”Yes?”

Steve solves his throat. ”You – you really don’t smell me?”

Thor huffs amusedly, and now he looks at Steve. 

”Oh, I smell you. I just don’t care.”

Oh. Steve isn’t able to hide the omega in him that gets his feelings slightly hurt quickly enough for Thor not to notice. 

”I mean, you do smell… nice”, Thor tries to patch. ”Sort of sea-like. But also sweet. Flowery.”

Steve can’t tell if he’s serious. Tony’s never used those words to describe his scent. It’s not that he actually wants for Thor to care about his scent, he just wants to know. 

”Well, good”, he says. ”I mean, it must still be pretty intense, right? The smell? It’s a relief that it doesn’t affect you, just, you know… you’re sure it doesn’t smell… bad or something? Disturbing?”

Thor snorts, taking a sip from his beer. 

”You’re worried a depressed and angry god of thunder is _disturbed_ by your mating scent?”

Ashamed, Steve drops his eyes down to his own hands. 

”Of course you aren’t. I’m sorry”, he says, feeling stupid. ”This is kind of you. Thank you, Thor.”

”Don’t worry about it. It’s not like I have anything better to do until we find that son of a whore Thanos”, he says, fixing his eyes back to his program.

Steve tries to concentrate on the TV too, but it’s too much for him right now. To his surprise, the heat has subsided again after its momentary rise at the scent of an alpha, but he feels tired. He allows his eyes to fall closed, yet fights the sleep. He wants to enjoy this moment of peace for as long as possible. 

”How are you doing?” he asks Thor after a while. 

”How you’d expect. I’m sure you know”, is the answer. 

”Yeah”, Steve echoes his bitter tone. ”Yeah.”

The grief feels like a companion as it takes Steve into its stronghold once again. He tries to focus on the sounds on the TV until eventually drifting off to sleep.


	4. Chances

_Steve flutters his eyes open to see Tony lying beside him. His hand is stroking his hair._

_”Tony”, Steve sighs, delighted. ”You’re here.”_

_There’s something in Tony’s lopsided smile that Steve doesn’t like, but he doesn’t want to recognise it._

_They kiss, and every worry in the world melts away for a second. But Steve knows, he knows that Tony isn’t really here. This is a dream, a fantasy._

_Tony lifts himself on top of him, and Steve takes his face between his hands. It feels real._

_”I miss you”, he says weakly, tears rolling down his cheeks. Tony pushes a strand of hair away from Steve’s forehead, then kisses his cheek._

_”I know. I miss you too.”_

_There’s no point in talking. They both know that they aren’t really here, but it doesn’t stop their bodies from entangling with each other, the yearning moans escaping Steve._

_Tony makes love to him, and Steve feels like his heart is being strangled. It feels good, so unimaginably good, but he’s paralysed by fear. The fear of the dream ending, of Tony vanishing. He can’t stop crying._

_When it’s over, even though it makes no sense, Steve gets a feeling that Tony’s put their lost child growing inside of him again, given Kieran back to him. Somehow it does make sense inside this dream, and he forgets that it’s not real, his tears turning into those of happiness._

_His chest fills with relief, his whole body shaking as he cries. Tony’s come back to him, and Kieran’ll come back to him, and everything will be as it was –_

Something is holding him down, and he trashes against it. 

”Shh, Steve, it’s just a dream.”

The words are like a knife to the throat. Suddenly, he’s back to reality, the place he has grown to hate so much. His tears of happiness change into an ugly cry as realisation hits him, and he doesn’t care one bit about what he looks or sounds like. It’s like everything’s been robbed from him, again. The pain of the heat is back, too. 

Thor lets go of him and seems to contemplate his next move for a second before pulling Steve into a hug. Steve would be unable to resist even if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to. He buries his face into Thor’s hoodie, his sobs getting more and more loud. 

”Fuck!” he screams, voice hoarse from crying. His back hurts, his head hurts, his heart hurts, and he’s fed up with this feeling of loss and unsatisfiable lust and need. 

”Shh”, Thor shushes him again, rubbing his back comfortingly. ”Everything is temporary, my friend, including this feeling.”

Steve wishes he could believe him. But even as he tires of the crying, he feels like all of his wounds are left bleeding. He just grows momentarily numb to them, to the pain. 

His slick has made such a mess of the bed again one’d think he’s peed himself. Slowly, Steve untangles himself from Thor’s embrace. It’s difficult, because his body wants to go back to the alpha’s arms instantly. 

”You don’t look so good. Are you sure my presence is helping at all?” Thor asks.

Steve’s surprised of his concern. He’s certainly in pain, but the worst of it is psychological. The physical pain is not nearly on the fainting level it had gotten to before. 

”Yes”, he reassures. ”Yes, it is, but I think I need some privacy now.” Well, the pain’s certainly bad enough that there’s no room left for coyness. 

”Sure”, Thor tells him in an uncomplicated way. ”You’ll be okay, alone?” 

”I think so.” Steve tries to sound as sure of himself as possible, even though he’s not that sure at all. He feels ominous, somehow, but he’s still not at the point where he’d be willing to have the god of thunder and whatnot present while he fucks himself with a nine-inch dildo. 

”Okay”, Thor says, a hint of doubt in his voice, but still getting up from the bed. ”I’ll be nearby. Just call me if you need me. Your, uh, things are right here”, he adds, lifting the black box to the bed. 

When he’s gone, Steve ransacks through the box, finding the toy he’d used before placed back inside it. He can’t muster up any shame for the realisation that his friends must have collected the toys after him earlier. 

Just like before, he gets to it without ceremony, pushing the toy inside of himself easily. Humming, he shuts his eyes, thinking of Tony. 

He goes on for almost an hour, coming three or four times, but something feels off. He doesn’t feel as foggy as he usually gets, and the pain isn’t easing, it’s getting worse. It isn’t even centred in his lower body. It’s in his chest, and eventually it grows so disturbing that he stops, pulling the toy out with a whine. 

His ass still throbs, but just faintly. He feels weak, his heart thumping loudly and exhaustedly in his chest. Even in heat, his body shouldn’t feel fatigue like this.

Steve tries to lift his weight to his hands but fails. Shivering, he realises that his skin feels cold. Something is definitely wrong. 

The pain in his chest is steady, not getting harder but not easing either. Steve stares into the distance, feeling powerless as breathing starts to feel difficult until he has to work for every huff of air he pulls. His body is shutting down, the longing finally getting to be too much. 

He should call for help, he realises distantly, but he’s so tired. He wants to just give in. 

He’ll never see Tony again. He’ll never hold his hand and look into his beautiful eyes as they lose themselves into each other. He’ll never feel Tony’s beard scratching his skin as Tony kisses his neck and wraps his arm around him. He’ll never hear the softness in Tony’s voice as he whispers ”I love you” to his ear. He’ll never press his ear against Tony’s chest and listen to his heartbeat as he falls asleep. 

He doesn’t want to be the one left behind again. 

Steve closes his eyes, hoping he’ll see Tony. 

_He does, the dream from before appearing before him. He’s with Tony, the same feeling of joy washing over him again. He smiles; this is where he belongs. Tony kisses his neck, and at first Steve feels whole again._

_But Tony just holds him tightly. Too tightly, Steve realises after a moment._

_”Don’t go”, he whispers to Steve suddenly. Steve thinks he can hear a sob. ”I will give everything back to you. Just don’t go, baby.”_

_Steve doesn’t understand. Where would he go? He swallows as he senses how afraid Tony is._

_”Please, Steve.” Tony’s silently weeping against his chest. ”I beg you.”_

_A horrible fear takes over Steve, and suddenly he realises that he has to wake up, even if it means leaving Tony. He closes his eyes, praying that it’s not too late._

He draws a weak breath, blinking his eyes open. 

”Thor”, he tries frailly, but almost no sound comes out of his mouth. He has to try harder. 

”Thor.” 

It’s still not enough, so he focuses all of his strength into his next try. 

”Thor!”

The shout takes all that’s left in him, and he can only hope that it’s enough. 

In under than five seconds, Thor has stormed into the room. 

”Steve?” he calls his name, coming closer. Steve fights to stay conscious. 

”I think you need to…” Steve tries, his air running out mid-sentence. 

He thinks of Tony, thinks of how unjust this is. He’s been so angry, but now everything that’s left is the bottomless grief. Not a cell in his body is ready to do what he’s going to have to do. 

But he can feel Emmett. His child is feeling his fear, his pain. The threat, the final void staring straight at him. That gives Steve resolve. 

”Help me”, he says defeatedly. ”Please.”

He doesn’t even know if Thor can actually knot him, how far his magic or whatever it is, goes. 

Thor sits beside him, his fingers pressing against Steve’s throat to feel his pulse. He seems to be trying to make quick decisions in his head. 

”I can try something”, he says, then. Steve can hardly blink as a response. Something _has_ to be tried soon, or it will be too late for him. 

”It’s… I can try to _curse_ you, but you might lose your capability to conceive ever again. The other way – I can do that too, if you really are sure. But be aware that there’ll be a much higher chance of pregnancy than with a human, even with protection. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience.” 

It’s an absurd thing to have to contemplate at the door of death. Steve has no desire to risk having a god/human hybrid, never mind the mess it would mean between him and Tony if Tony does come back. Tony would understand, though, Steve knows it. Of course he would. But would Steve still be enough for him barren, unable to have more children?

_I’ll promise that whatever you do or say, wherever we end up, be it centuries or lightyears apart, I will never leave you._

It’s his choice, Steve realises. Tony isn’t here to tell his opinion. 

”The curse. Do it.”

Thor lays his hand to Steve’s stomach and Steve screams until he’s finally blessed with losing consciousness. 

***

”What did you do?”

Steve winces. The air around him smells like disinfectant. 

”Thor! What did you do?” 

The one shouting is Bruce. It is good to hear Bruce’s voice. It’s not good to hear it so alarmed. 

As he hears Thor patiently explain what happened, the memories start coming back to Steve. He shortly remembers the curse, the indescribable pain and the feeling of air being punched out of him. But he’s too tired to stay awake for longer. 

There are no dreams now when he sleeps, no Tony. Just darkness. 

When he wakes up again, he sees that he’s been brought to medical bay. Bruce is studying a tablet with a furrowed brow and Thor is slumped in an armchair in the corner. 

”Bruce”, Steve mutters quietly, making the man aware of him. He rushes to the bedside. 

”Steve? How are you feeling? Here, have some water.”

Steve takes the glass offered to him, his hand shaking as he presses it to his lips and drinks greedily.

”What day is it? How’s Emmett?”

”It’s still Friday. You’ve been out for ten hours or so”, Thor says. Steve had assumed that he’s asleep, but evidently, he’s not. 

”And Emmett’s okay. Nat’s with him”, Bruce completes the information. 

Steve sighs, relieved, but Bruce looks worried. 

”I examined you while you were out”, he tells. ”You were bleeding heavily. Steve, I doubt you would’ve survived without the serum.”

Steve takes a moment to process. There’s some pain, but overall he feels better than… for the last two days, he realises. Actually, it’s less than that. The heat had started yesterday morning, and now…

”What time is it?” he asks. 

”Twenty minutes past eleven.”

That’s thirty-three hours. Thirty-three hours since Nat woke him up and he met with the doctor. The time between had felt so much longer than that, and like it was never going to end. But the reality is that he’d been ready to give up in less than two days. 

”I’m going to be honest with you, Steve. It doesn’t look good. The nano-machines have managed to stop the bleeding, but the internal damage is bad.” Bruce looks at him sympathetically. 

Steve touches his stomach instinctively, but when he realises what he’s doing, he pulls his hand away. 

”Could I have some clothes?”

”Of course”, Bruce says, looking surprised. ”Although you might want to take a shower first, if you feel like you’re up to it. I tried to clean what I could of the blood, but…”

”Right”, Steve says.

He wonders about the curse. What has actually been done to him? He thinks about asking Thor but decides against it for now. What he needs is that shower and something to eat, and to see Emmett. The rest he can worry about later. 

Bruce helps him into a bathrobe and walks him to the bathroom. 

”Are you _sure_ you’ll be fine?” Thor asks suddenly from his chair. Steve turns to look at him. Only now Steve realises that he sounds drunk. 

”Yes”, Steve tells him. 

”That’s what you said the last time.”

Steve’s too exhausted for anger. Besides, he knows Thor’s just disappointed in himself. Too exhausted for compassion either, Steve just pulls the door shut after him without answering. 

***

The heat does not return. For a day Steve still sees blood every time he goes to the bathroom, but he’s recovering, his blood levels getting back to regular. A few days after the curse Steve can almost say that he’s feeling back to normal, whatever that is nowadays. 

But he’s not back to normal. The doctor comes to see him again. He tries hard not to chide Steve when he hears what he’s allowed to be done to himself, but Steve can see that the man’s exasperated underneath. It’s understandable, he guesses. Steve and physicians rarely have seemed to agree on the best course of action when it has come to his health. 

Further examination reveals that the curse has apparently all but destroyed his inner reproductive system completely. The doctor uses a charming description of ”an unprecedented mess” as he examines the scans, muttering under his breath. Steve’s probably not meant to hear it, but of course he does. 

There isn’t that much pain, though. Sometimes he feels a mean twinge in his lower stomach, but it passes as quickly as it comes. The serum is doing its best battling against the curse, trying to heal the damage. The doctor tells him that only time will tell if it’s enough. 

Thor’s aim had been to merely curse Steve with ’bad fertility’ for some time, but it’s clear that what he’s ended up doing is worse than that. 

”It was my choice, Thor”, Steve tells him.

But Thor insists that he shouldn’t have done it. He can’t really say aloud that he should’ve gone the other way, because it _was_ Steve’s choice, but Steve can read from between the lines that he thinks so. He wouldn’t admit it to Thor, but the more days pass, the more Steve feels that Thor might be right. 

At first Steve’s only relieved to be rid of the nightmarish heat, to be alive and to be able to be with Emmett again. But then he realises that he might not only ever go into heat or have children again, he might not be able to enjoy sex all together anymore. He supposes he should try, alone, to see whether he can even get slick, or if his male organs still at least work. But the mere thought repulses him, so he doesn’t. He guesses that if Tony isn’t alive anymore, it doesn’t even matter. 

He lays in bed and watches Emmett, who stares back at him with his brown hazel eyes – Tony’s eyes – and yawns. The room still smells of heat and blood, even though Steve’s been trying his best to clean it. 

”Go to sleep, sweetie”, Steve tells Emmett with a sad smile. ”Tell daddy I said hi if you happen to see him.”

***

It’s Emmett who notices it first. Steve’s just changing him, his back turned to the window, when Emmett starts to flail his arm with curious eyes, his fingers pointing outside. The bright lights must’ve caught his interest, Steve deduces later. But now, he just chuckles at Emmett’s behaviour. 

”What are you doing, silly?” 

Steve finishes changing him and glances out the window, not expecting to see anything of interest. 

It’s lucky that he hasn’t picked Emmett up yet, because he can’t guarantee that he wouldn’t have dropped him at the sight of the spaceship. And he knows, knows right away, because the bond is suddenly awake and makes Steve’s heart miss a beat. 

Tony is on that spaceship. Alive.

He takes Emmett and rushes downstairs, and when he comes by Nat on her way to see what’s happening, he pushes Emmett into her arms and runs. 

The ship is not down yet when he arrives outside, and with his heart in his throat, Steve watches it land – no, getting _laid down_ by Carol. 

Then he’s running again, and as soon as the door comes down and reveals Tony standing inside Steve nearly falls to his knees. But he doesn’t, because Tony looks frail and Steve has to catch him as he wobbles down the stairs to his arms. 

Tony looks at him, his mouth hanging open as if he can’t believe that he’s alive and here. Both of them are at a loss for words, so for a moment they just cling to each other, trembling in each other’s arms. Steve can hardly breathe through his relieved tears as he kisses Tony’s temple. 

”I couldn’t stop him”, Tony says finally. 

”Me neither. Tony –”

”I – I lost the kid.”

So, Peter, too. They’d suspected that he’d gone with Tony since no one had seen him after the battle in New York. It breaks Steve’s heart, but not quite as much as what he’s going to have to tell Tony. 

”Tony, I –” he tries, but the words get stuck into his throat. 

”No”, Tony breathes out, shaking his head. His eyes are begging for Steve to tell him that he’s guessing wrong. ”Please, no.”

”Kieran”, Steve manages to force out, and it shatters him to see the word sink in on Tony’s features. His lower lip trembles and his brows knit together as if he’s in pain. Which he is, Steve knows very well.

”No”, Tony says again, and his legs seem to start giving out. Steve supports his weight. 

There’s nothing that can be said, no words will ever fix this. Steve holds Tony carefully, feeling his pain, their pain, as Tony’s chest heaves against him. He feels guilty about the slight feeling of comfort from not having to bear this loss by himself anymore. He’s just been so alone. 

”Let’s – let’s get you inside”, Steve says eventually, but it’s only the sight of Emmett that gets Tony finally moving. Steve helps him, and Nat offers Emmett to Tony, but Steve takes him instead. Tony is hardly strong enough to stand on his own legs. 

”Hi”, Tony says, and his eyes are wet as he kisses Emmett on the head. ”Hi, buddy.”

Steve can feel Emmett’s happiness through the bond, and a broken smile climbs to his face despite everything. He wants to just hold Emmett and Tony for hours, listen to two heartbeats instead of one now, but he can see that Tony’s physically in bad shape. So, he gives Emmett back to Nat, taking Tony’s hand as he instantly tries to reach for Emmett again. 

”Let me help you inside, okay?” 

”It’s okay”, Tony insists, and tries to walk, lurching forward uncontrollably. Steve sweeps him into a bridal carry, leaving Tony no choice but to hold onto him. 

After they get to the medical bay, a lot of things happen. Tony’s put on an IV drip and his pupils, temperature and blood pressure are checked amongst other tests. He’s checked for injuries. Bruce and the two nurses they’ve got left bustle around Tony, and Steve stands in the side, following closely that they don’t overwhelm or hurt his alpha. 

Finally, they’re left alone by Bruce, who tells Tony that they’ll take blood tests in a couple of hours once he’s been on the IV for a moment first. Tony asks to see Emmett again and Steve goes to fetch him, but the boy has fallen asleep in the carrycot Nat has temporarily put him in during all of the chaos. She has her hands full with the two women that have arrived with the spaceship too. Steve still has no idea who the hell the blue one is, so he greets her and introduces himself politely, then takes the carrycot and leaves Nat to deal with it. 

”He’s asleep”, he tells Tony, putting the carrycot down.

”Let him sleep, then”, Tony says. ”It’s just good to… you know.”

Steve does. Just being near Emmett must be incredibly soothing for Tony. To feel the bond clearly, to know that at least the other one of their children is still here, still breathing calmly in his sleep just a few feet away from him. 

Tony looks tired, and Steve doesn’t want to bother him by shoving himself to the single bed with him, so he pulls a chair next to it instead, taking Tony’s hand between his own. He kisses it, closing his eyes. Tony tries to squeeze back with his hand, and Steve can feel that there’s hardly any strength in his grip. 

”You’ve shaved”, Tony points out. Steve hums against his hand affirmatively. It’s silent for a few minutes, during which Steve just focuses on breathing Tony’s scent in again, on feeling their bond. Sensing the warmth in Tony’s hand. 

”Twelve point five percent”, Tony whispers then, and Steve looks at him inquisitively. Tony’s forefinger rubs the back of Steve’s palm. 

”Twelve point five percent probability of having lost all of you”, he explains, and Steve moves closer, wrapping his arms around Tony’s waist. Tony must’ve been through hell, living so long in all that uncertainty. 

”Tell me”, Steve encourages, and Tony tells him about Peter and Strange, about Ebony Maw, about Titan, about Peter Quill and the whole weird quartet that had showed up, the battle with Thanos. He goes quiet as he tells how Peter had turned into ashes in his arms, how everyone except him and Nebula had vanished. About how they’d ended up stranded in space with air about to go out and how “the glowing woman”, as he calls Carol, had showed up at the final hour. 

”I owe my life to that lady. Both of them, really. Must thank them”, he finishes, and Steve breaks into tears at the realisation of how close he came to losing Tony. 

”I was afraid”, Tony admits, and he looks so fragile, having lost so much weight. Just like with Emmett, Steve isn’t sure how he’ll ever let Tony out of his sight again. ”I couldn’t sense anything through the bond.”

”I know. Me neither.” 

Tony pets his hair tiredly. His eyes have already slipped closed. 

”How have you been, sweetheart?” he mumbles. Steve lifts himself up to kiss Tony’s forehead. 

”Better, now. I’ll tell you everything after you’ve got some rest.”

Tony hums like he wants to protest, but he’s too exhausted to even open his eyes. 

”Sleep, darling.”

After Tony’s fallen asleep, Steve goes looking for Bruce. He finds all of them – Bruce, Nat, Rhodey, Thor, Rocket, Carol and Nebula – in a conference room planning for their next move. He asks Bruce outside. 

”He’ll be fine, Steve”, Bruce tells him. ”It’s mainly just malnutrition and stress.”

”I believe you.” Steve runs his fingers through his hair. ”Listen, don’t talk to him about the heat and what happened. I’ll tell him when… I’ll tell him.”

Bruce stares at him. 

”You’ll _have_ to tell him.”

”I will. I couldn’t keep it a secret even if I wanted to. I’ll tell him when it’s the right time, I just… I don’t want him to worry about that now.”

He sighs at Bruce’s unrelenting, doubtful expression. 

”How have you been, Steve? Do you have pains?”

Steve shakes his head. 

”No, I don’t.” 

He likes to think that it’s not a lie. They’re not that bad. 

”Come on, I’m sure we’ve got more important things to discuss”, he continues, pulling the door to the conference room open. 

Two days later it’s his turn to climb onto a spaceship.


	5. Sentence

Tony groans frustratedly, getting up from the bed. He starts pacing around the medical bay, extremely fed up with the place. It’s a bitch to haul the IV with him, but he can’t rot in that bed for a second longer. 

He could’ve gone with them. But no, he has to sit on his arse while others go find the bastard that has killed his child. Just because Steve says so, because Rhodey says so, because Bruce says so, because Natasha says so, because even Thor and Nebula say so. The raccoon doesn’t even know Tony but even he says so. What is he, a child?

”You’ll make a trail to the floor if you go on like that.”

He turns to see Pepper at the door. 

”The alternative being growing roots to that bed, I’m quite okay with it”, he mutters. ”Hi, Pep.”

Pepper comes and gives him a hug, then looks at him in that supportive way of hers that would be annoying coming from anyone else. 

”Wanna have a cup of coffee with me?” 

”A reason to leave this room, yes, please.”

Fifteen minutes later they find themselves sitting in the communal kitchen. 

”It’s good to see you”, Pepper says after a moment of silence. Tony turns his eyes from the window to her. 

”You, too. I’d call myself lucky, but…” he drifts off. He didn’t lose Steve, Emmett, Rhodey, Happy or Pepper. But he did lose Kieran and that’s more than enough. 

”I’m sorry, Tony”, Pepper says compassionately. ”It must be hard.”

”Yeah, well…” Tony rubs his face. He’s not ready to talk about it. ”How are you holding up?”

They talk for some time. Pepper describes to him how things have changed, the chaos everywhere. They even scratch the surface on the subject of business, even though it’s hardly the first thing on either of their minds. Tony’s grateful for the diversion, but at some point, his thoughts start drifting back to Steve, to the mission the others have left on. It’s ironic to think that he’s allowed Steve to leave to space to fight Thanos after just having done that himself, narrowly returning with his life only due to a downright miracle. 

Well, his permission wasn’t really asked for. Steve never does. But if the all-mighty Captain-lady and Thor hadn’t left too, Tony would have been on that ship to go with Steve or died trying. 

”It must be difficult for you to be left behind”, Pepper observes knowingly, reading his thoughts.

Tony huffs. 

”You know how they say that omegas will always listen to their alpha’s authority in the end ? In my life that is also called bullshit.”

Deep down, Tony knows he shouldn’t do his relationship’s dirty laundry outside like this, especially to his ex. He doesn’t even mean it, at least not in the way his words make it sound like. But the words have just bubbled out of him, and he’s not one to cry over already spilled milk. 

”Oh, come on, Tony. The moment you saw that in Steve you were his”, Pepper says, and there’s no bitterness in her voice. What was between them is long in the past now. 

Tony doesn’t answer. He’s not stupid enough to think for a second that it’s actually anger he feels towards Steve, but the worry is so intense it is hard to tell. He’s just spent weeks offering everything, including his own life, to all the higher powers he doesn’t believe in in his mind to just have Steve alive in exchange. Everything, anything, for Steve to live and for his children to live. For Steve not having to suffer the loss of either of them, for their children to have their oma. But he doesn’t get to decide, he never gets to decide, and Steve hadn’t listened to a thing he’d said when he’d tried to convince him that not everybody had to go.

”So, I take it Steve’s recovered then?” Pepper inquires. Tony’s face springs up. 

”What?” His first thought is that Pepper’s talking about Steve’s depression, but it would be an odd thing to bring up now. Besides, Pepper should be aware that Steve had been better for months before Thanos. 

”Not that it’s any of my business”, Pepper continues, knitting her brows. ”Rhodey just mentioned that Steve was really sick. I wanted to come visit him but Rhodey said that it wasn’t possible.”

Tony stares at her. He doesn’t know if he should be worried – even more worried than he already is – or angry. Steve has been sick? And now Tony’s been caught with his metaphorical pants down, not having a clue about what Pepper’s talking about. 

”You didn’t know”, she realises. 

Tony looks away. He guesses he should already be used to Steve putting him into humiliating situations like this, situations that make it obvious that he has next to zero control of anything happening inside of his relationship, but he isn’t. Steve had made a promise to him. 

”No”, he admits, his brain ticking. Maybe there’s something in the medical bay that’ll give him a clue what’s been going on with Steve, like notes or test results. He shifts to get up from his chair, then turns back to Pepper. ”When was this?”

”Uh… a week ago? A bit more?” she says, then continues as Tony stands to leave: ”Will you be okay, Tony?”

”I’m always okay. Thanks for the… company.”

***

It’s silent in the spaceship on the way back. Steve’s locked in a haze that reminds him of the time in the jet after the snap. It’s been less than a month since that, but it feels like a small eternity has passed. Yet he knows the exact amount of days; twenty-five days since he lost Kieran. 

Will he ever stop counting?

He’d been so hopeful after they’d found out where to find Thanos. The stones would be with him, and in them, the key to bringing his child back. To bringing everybody back. But the stones are gone, and it gives him no satisfaction to know that so is Thanos. Giving up never was in Steve’s nature, but how can he not admit it; this is it, isn’t it? There’s nothing they can do. 

Nat reaches for his hand suddenly, and Steve glances at her. Her eyes are locked into the distance, to the stars and planets and asteroids they keep passing. A tear is rolling down her cheek. 

Steve takes her hand as the ship jumps, and Thor starts singing drunkenly in the back of the ship. Rhodey tells him to shut up, and surprisingly, Thor does. Steve didn’t particularly enjoy the singing either, but he still can’t help feeling sorry for Thor. It’s his way of dealing with this. 

He’s going to have to have find one himself, Steve thinks, as he steps out of the ship not more than thirty minutes later. It feels like they’ve been gone for a long time, but they’d left in the morning and it isn’t even dark yet. Steve eyes the windows of the compound as he walks towards it in the last warm rays of the sun, trying to catch Tony watching them return in one of them. He doesn’t notice him, but some windows catch the sunlight so brightly that Steve can’t be sure if Tony’s in one of them or not. 

Bruce jogs to his side. 

”Should we keep a briefing?”

”No. I doubt anyone’s up to it. I know I’m not.”

”You’ll tell Tony?” 

”I’ll tell Tony.”

He has a lot of things he has to tell Tony, and he goes to look for him in the medical bay, finding Emmett sleeping in there. Tony steps into the room just moments after him. 

”He destroyed the stones”, Steve says instantly, anger boiling inside of him. ”The son of a bitch destroyed the stones, Tony.”

Tony stares at him, a range of emotions flicking over his features, and watching it makes Steve feel the whole extent of his own disappointment. He is so disappointed in himself, in all of them, even Tony, for letting all of those who died, all of those who mourn, down like this. For letting his son down like this. He rubs his face, feeling the shame and grief trying to force their way into his eyes. 

”Are you sick?”

Steve looks at Tony, taken aback. He looks disappointed, too. Disappointed in Steve. 

”No”, Steve says for some reason, feeling stupid as soon as the word leaves his lips. He has no idea how Tony knows, but he hadn’t wanted to go all of this through in the same breath. He guesses he’ll have to. ”Sort of.”

”Is it bad?” 

Steve can see that Tony’s afraid of the answer despite his anger. 

”I’m not dying”, he clears, aiming to get the most important bit out first. 

”Oh, for fuck’s sake, Steve”, Tony says, sounding both relieved and frustrated. He sits on the bed and looks at Steve pointedly. ”Fuck you.”

”Excuse me?”

If he wouldn’t just be digesting the fact that he’s lost the only hope of ever getting Kieran back, Steve might be able to find the patience to understand Tony’s feelings better. But he is, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t need a fight with Tony on top of everything else. 

”You promised me”, Tony says, and the blame in his voice doesn’t sit well with Steve at all in this moment. He grits his teeth. ”You promised to share with me –”

” _You_ promised to never leave me, but you did and I nearly died – _you_ nearly died!”

Tony’s expression freezes. 

”What?”

Steve sighs, regretting his words. He tries to calm down. 

”I’m sorry.”

”What do you mean ’died’?”

After taking an another second to collect himself, Steve sits down beside Tony. 

”It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I’m just so angry, after…”

Tony lays a hand on his shoulder. 

”I know. Me too. But you need to tell me what’s going on.”

Steve swallows and nods, squeezing Tony’s hand briefly without looking at him. He has avoided thinking about the whole thing, Tony’s return and finding Thanos allowing his mind to be occupied with other things. 

”Have you ever heard of mourning heats?” he starts.

”No. That what you had?”

”Yeah”, Steve confirms quietly. ”There was no pre-heat, I just woke up one morning almost fully in heat. A doctor was called here, and he told me that a heat shouldn’t normally happen so soon after…” he solves his throat. ”After a bonded omega has lost their alpha. Of course, I didn’t know whether you were dead or alive.” 

Tony’s hand grips Steve’s shoulder a little tighter, and Steve wants to pull away. He feels like a cheater, even though nothing incriminating had happened in the end.

”Anyway, it shouldn’t have happened, but the doctor said that sometimes an omega’s body might react to the extreme grief and stress by going into heat like they were trying… trying to, I don’t know, _lure_ their lost companion back.”

He hears Tony’s breath turn superficial. 

”Apparently they usually suppress these kind of heats, because they’re quite aggressive and some omegas have died of them –”

”Jesus Christ”, Tony mutters, his voice hardly audible. ”Fuck.”

Steve sighs. ”It’s okay. Just listen.” The words come out of him impatiently; he doesn’t feel like he deserves Tony’s sympathy. 

”Next, the doctor told me that I would need an alpha to be with me. I said no, but he made clear that my life was in danger, and I still had Emmy, so…” Steve takes a breath. ”So we – well, Nat, really – drew up a contract for an alpha that stated that they wouldn’t be allowed to touch me unless it would become absolutely necessary. Bruce was supposed to be the judge of that medically. They would just bring their scent and get paid.”

”That sounds sensible”, Tony offers. Steve shakes his head. 

”I – I’d also allow them to be there when I take care of myself. Even worse, allow them to touch themselves. I decided that myself, Tony”, he says, disgusted at himself. ”I just… I thought –”

”Honey”, Tony says, his hand traveling to Steve’s neck and caressing it firmly. ”The only thing that matters is that you’re okay.”

Steve bursts into a short, bitter laughter and tears at the same time. Tony’s fingers massage him, trying to soothe him. 

”You’re not okay, are you?”

Steve shakes his head, the tears dropping to his lap and forming dark spots on the fabric of his suit. It takes a while before he’s able to continue. 

”The heat started, and it was bad. I couldn’t think about anything but you, all the time, every breath. I ended up fainting from the pain. When I woke up, Nat and Thor were there, and Thor, he smelled like an alpha –”

”Thor?”

”Yeah, I know. Asgardian magic apparently. But for a while it looked like it was going to be okay, since Thor could stay with me and he wasn’t affected by my heat, so it would be easy for him to respect our bond and give me privacy when… needed.”

”But?”

Steve trembles, remembering how he’d realised that he was dying and been content with it. 

”He wasn’t enough. He wasn’t you, and his scent couldn’t soothe me enough. I just gave up; my body gave up. I could feel that I was dying, and the worst thing is that I was happy about it”, Steve admits, trying to wipe his tears off. It’s useless; new ones keep spilling faster than he can dry them. ”So selfish, when I think about it now. But I just missed you so much, and it hurt, and I felt like I couldn’t take another breath without you. I guess – I think I was literally dying of grief. The only thing that saved me was that when I let go and closed my eyes, I saw you. And you –”, Steve’s breath hitches at the painful memory, stopping his broken voice for a second – ”you were begging me not to go.” 

Tony pulls him close and Steve buries his face into his chest, staining his shirt with his tears. 

”So. Thanks for that”, Steve says between his sobs, shaking in Tony’s arms. 

”I had no idea”, Tony whispers, holding him tightly. His voice sounds strained, suffocated. 

”I’m so sorry”, Steve cries. The emotions are just pouring out of him now, everything he’s been through coming out in such frantic, hopeless noises that he can hardly draw a breath in between. But he’s not really crying for what he’s been through – he’s crying for everything he’s lost. He misses his child so much. ”I think I made a mistake, Tony.”

He pushes himself back up, further from Tony, who looks at him worriedly. His eyes are wet too. 

”I managed to regain consciousness, but I knew I didn’t have much time, so I called for Thor and I asked him to help me. To… knot me.”

It’s a hard thing to say, and even though Tony tries to hide it, the way he swallows reveals that it’s hard to hear, too. 

”So he helped you?” 

Steve shakes his head. ”Not like that. He said he could do it, but that the risk of pregnancy was higher than with a human, that protection might not help. As another option, he offered to curse me to make the heat stop but warned that it might make me barren.”

Tony’s expression twists in a way that reveals he already knows what Steve decided. 

”Oh, Steve… No.” 

Steve stares at his hands, the tears streaming silently down his cheeks. 

”I didn’t want to betray you”, he says plainly. ”I woke up here, in the medical bay. I’d lost some blood. Apparently, I’m quite a mess inside. The doctor says that the serum might fix it, or it might not. I don’t… it might not just be my ability to conceive that got damaged. I don’t know if anything works anymore, really.”

Tony sighs through his nose. ”Come here”, he says, sounding resolute. When Steve’s wrapped between his arms again, he presses a kiss to the top of his head. ”Are you in pain?” he asks, the gentleness in his voice making Steve’s chest ache. Tony’s always so good to him. 

”Not much. Sometimes. It’s nothing I can’t handle”, Steve answers truthfully. Tony rubs his back. 

”But I don’t know if I’ll be able to… anything. I don’t know anything”, Steve continues difficultly. He’s so tired and humiliated. ”I want to. I want to be close to you.” 

He wishes now that he’d tried before, alone, because he’s not sure that he’ll be able to deal with the disappointment, with Tony’s pity, if they try together and he can’t do it. Can’t get slick, can’t enjoy it, can’t love Tony with his body like he’s meant to. 

”Don’t worry about that, Steve. We’ll figure it out, and if it turns out that we’re never having sex again then so be it”, Tony tells him. 

Of course Tony would say something like that, Steve thinks. But it doesn’t change the fact that Steve’s broken, ruined, damaged goods. He’s already always been a compromise as an omega, and now he’s hardly an omega at all anymore. Tony’ll stay with him out of responsibility and for Emmett, but it will never be the same. If Steve doesn’t recover, it would be better for Tony to leave him. Most likely, since Tony wouldn’t do it, Steve would have to leave Tony himself to give his alpha a chance for something normal, with someone whole.

The door to the room opens. Steve lifts his face to see Bruce standing at it. He had been so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn’t even heard the man approaching. 

”Is this a bad time?” he asks. 

Steve and Tony answer at the same time, Steve saying ”no” and Tony ”yes”. Bruce eyes them both, looking like he doesn’t have the energy for guessing. Steve gets up from the bed. 

”I should go change out of the suit, anyway”, he says, trying to sound like he’s fine. ”I’ll take Emmy with me, he’s bound to wake up soon to eat, right?”

Tony’s expression is slightly puzzled as it follows him. 

”Right”, he says.

Steve grabs Emmett’s cot. ”We’ll be back.” He tries to smile at Tony and Tony returns the smile with doubtful eyes. Bruce offers him a compassionate look and Steve can guess that his face looks terrible after all the crying. 

When he gets to his quarters, Steve sits on the bed with a sigh, raking his fingers through his hair. 

He’s being irrational. He thinks back to spring, how he’d bottled everything up and almost destroyed his relationship with Tony. Things are much worse now, but that means he’ll need Tony more than ever. He doesn’t know how they’re ever going to get through all of this, but they’ll have a better chance together, right?

Besides, he has no idea what his situation due to the curse exactly is – perhaps it isn’t that bad. If it is, he can’t know if it’s permanent for some months at least. And even in the case that it turns out to be everything he fears, there’s probably still something that can be done. Medicine is amazing these days. 

Steve can’t be bothered to delve deeper into the thought of sex, though, the losses of today too heavy in his mind. He peels his suit off, switching to casual clothes, and tries not to think about Kieran when he turns his attention to Emmett. 

Half an hour later Steve has changed and fed a sleepy baby when Tony steps in. 

”Tony?” he says surprisedly. Tony doesn’t have the IV with him. 

”Yeah, I’m free. Passed the tests”, he answers nonchalantly. He does look better, Steve thinks. It will take time to gain the weight back, but the colour is back to his face, his eyes looking sharp again. 

Steve gives him a warm smile. ”I’m happy to hear that. Does this mean I’ll finally get to sleep next to you?”

”Yeah…” Tony mutters, eyeing the room suspiciously. He wrinkles his nose. ”One condition, though. We’ll go to my quarters. This place smells like… well, I was gonna say like ’a panicked fart’ but I guess that’s not very funny.”

Steve stares at him. He’s not offended, but it just isn’t a day for laughter. ”It’s funny enough”, he says colourlessly. ”I’m fine with sleeping in your quarters.”

”Yeah, I – I’ve seriously got to leave this room right now, it’s… I think it’s fucking me up”, Tony says, looking distraught as he turns to leave. ”I’ll wait for you in the hallway.”

Steve’s brows furrow as he watches Tony shuffle out the door. He gives Emmett a look and Emmett grins with his finger in his mouth, looking like he’s happy to be part of a secret, unvoiced shit-talk with Steve. Naturally the baby doesn’t actually have any idea what’s going on, but his expression still manages to amuse Steve a little. 

There isn’t much that Steve needs to take with him, or even has with him at the compound for that matter, so it doesn’t take long for him to collect his and Emmett’s stuff and step into the hallway. Tony has sat down to wait, and he jumps up immediately at the sight of them, heading towards the elevator. He looks odd, anxious, and Steve’s eyes follow his back as he walks into the elevator after him. Tony’s there enough that he takes Emmett from Steve who clearly has a little too many things to carry for convenience, but the whole elevator ride he fidgets with his fingers, rubbing them together or clicking his fingernails. 

As soon as they get to Tony’s quarters, Tony sets Emmett’s cot aside, then takes the things Steve’s carrying from him and tosses them to the floor too. Steve swallows his protest mid-way as Tony buries his face into his neck, inhaling noisily. 

Not entirely sure of what’s happening, Steve just puts his arms around Tony, and they stand there without saying anything. Tony keeps smelling him greedily, inhale after inhale, and eventually Steve starts to think that he can guess what’s going on. He pets Tony’s hair calmingly. 

When Tony lifts his face, he looks thoughtful. ”Huh. Well, that was interesting.”

”Talk to me”, Steve tells him. 

”I think your fart room made me have a panic attack.”

Steve sighs good-naturedly. 

”Were you always this crude?”

”Yes, it’s a defence mechanism. You know this”, Tony answers. ”Now you’re thinking: ’next he’s gonna tell me he likes that loud music they call rock or stone or something like that’.”

Though it wears him out, Steve lets Tony have his distractive bullshit, because Tony’s right; Steve does know that Tony does this when he’s not comfortable with his emotions. 

They stare at each other until Tony finally rests his forehead against Steve’s chin. ”That place smells like your distress. I think my reptilian brain got confused.”

”I know it does. Been trying to air it, even asked Nat yesterday whether it still smells. She said she couldn’t smell anything.”

”Yeah, well, Nat’s not programmed to react to the scent of your distress.”

Steve thinks he can hear bitterness in Tony’s voice. 

”No, she’s not. She’s really been a good friend, though.”

Tony pulls away. ”Great. I just wish you would’ve told me.”

Steve realises he’s talked out of turn. ”I was going to tell you. I was going to tell you _today_. I just wanted to wait until you were feeling a little better.”

”I don’t think I’ll ever feel better” Tony says cynically. Steve can’t much argue with that. 

”I understand if you feel like I haven’t trusted you again. But it really wasn’t like that. Maybe I made a mistake, but you had only just heard about Kieran, Tony. I couldn’t bear dropping it all on you at once. Besides, compared to that, it’s nothing.”

Tony rubs his temples. ”Fine. I guess I can understand that. I just feel useless. I should’ve been with you”, he mutters, adding before Steve can answer: ”It’s not ’nothing’.”

”How could you have been with me?” Steve says tiredly. He’s sensing that this conversation is heading off sensible rails. 

”I don’t know but I’m your alpha and I should’ve been there.” Tony sounds frustrated. ”I should’ve been there for Kieran too”, he adds quietly. 

”You were trying to stop Thanos. Don’t go down that road, Tony.”

”I knew he was coming. I told you, remember? That something was coming. But you –”

”Are you gonna blame me, or yourself?” Steve really doesn’t have the energy for this. He understands, he does, because he blames himself too. But this is not the way to deal with their loss. 

”Me”, Tony says easily. ”Fuck!” he shouts then, making Steve cringe. 

Emmett starts crying. Steve goes to pick him up, beginning to hush him while Tony leans against the door, looking beaten. 

”We can blame ourselves and each other for his death but it won’t change anything”, Steve says grimly, jiggling Emmett in his arms. ”Believe me, Tony, I get the appeal.”

Tony bangs the back of his head against the door, making Emmett flinch, his crying turning louder. 

”Stop it”, Steve snaps at Tony. ”You’re stressing Emmy out.” He turns to Emmett. ”It’s okay, honey. Shh. You don’t have to worry about it. No, you don’t have to worry about anything, sweetie.”

Tony stares at them, his whole demeanour nothing but exhaustion. After a minute, he fixes his composure and leaves, vanishing into the bedroom and soon after Steve hears a noise that sounds like an adult man falling onto a bed with no regard for the bedsprings. 

Steve continues to hush their poor, confused baby, while absently thinking that Tony’s being out of character. Tony has never been exactly a patient person, and he could fall into being irrational sometimes, but never like this. Even at his worst moments, he has a reason for his behaviour, at least in his own head. He knows his rationale for the things he does and says – unlike Steve himself has at times. But Steve very much doubts Tony has any reason for his behaviour now besides not knowing how else to act. 

When Emmett quiets down, Steve heads to the bedroom with him to find Tony slumped on the bed on his stomach. 

”Turn over”, he prompts, pushing a smile onto his face for Tony. 

Sluggishly, Tony complies. His expression softens as Steve lays Emmett on his chest carefully. 

”There. That’s better, right?”

Tony hums, starting to talk to Emmett quietly. Steve goes to take a shower, and when he returns, Emmett’s fallen asleep. Tony’s petting his hair lightly, his eyes resting on Emmett’s peaceful figure. 

”Should I put him to bed?” Steve asks. Tony’s eyes don’t leave Emmett as he answers. 

”Just a little while longer.”

Steve lies down to the other side of the bed and reaches to kiss Emmett on the forehead. When he lifts his face, he sees Tony looking at him, his eyes shining with tears. Careful of Emmett, Steve moves closer to Tony and kisses him. 

Despite what they’re missing, it feels like home.


End file.
